Staying with In-Laws
When I was single, I have this dream of getting married to a lovely man who’ll prepare us a nice cosy house before we get hitched. Then our love story will be extended with the birth of our kids and we’ll be one happy family living happily ever after.
Well, that dream has yet to come. When hubby and I started dating, I know for sure that we won’t be staying by ourself after getting married. It’s not that his parents prefer the sons to stick to them, but it’s just happenned that my parents-in-laws’ place has sufficient rooms to accumulate all of us. Most of my friends are shocked that I’m staying with in-laws as they rather have their own houses as they refused to compromise and also afraid of handling relationships with in-laws.
I’m staying in an old house, so it’s quite spacious. Hubby and I know that it’s impossible for us to have such a spacious place to live in if we intended to buy one soon. We don’t want to be confined in paying lots of monthly housing loan and work ourself to death in earning that amount of BIG money! So, we decided to stay with his parents for a few years until our kids are much older.
There’re advantages in staying in a big extended family. Here’re some:
1. I don’t have to worry sick leaving my kids with a maid as my MIL is around most of the time.
2. My kids have their cousins to play with and they’re less lonely.
3. Justin learns how to share with his cousins at a very young age. But he still prefers to play with jie jie.
4. I have lots of second-handed-baby stuffs and save me a lot of money.
5. Got some good tips in bringing up babies from MIL, and it’s especially helpful for new mom like me.
6. Free yoga lesson, given by SIL!!!
7. I don’t have to freak myself out when hubby’s working outstation as there’re always people staying together under the same roof.
8. I don’t have to cook!
9. I become a better person as I’ve learnt to tolerate with other people’s needs, speak WISELY to avoid hurting others’ feelings, sharing our stuffs, and etc.
10. Justin and Isabelle can have a big compound to play in everyday!
However, there’re also some disadvantages:
1. I can’t bring up my kids the way I want them to be as SIL and MIL have different opinions sometimes. Ex: I don’t like kids to take junk food but MIL uses junkies as bribery.
2. Xin Yi and Li Wei are TV-addicts and I have to prevent Justin and Isabelle from being one.
3. The house is always noisy and messy. I mean really really MESSY! But I’ve learnt to ignore the stuffs lah…
4. Justin and Isabelle won’t be able to have their own rooms separately when they’re ready, so we still have to move out.
5. Besides taking care of my kids, I have to take care of Xin Yi and Li Wei too. I’ve been trained to be a mother even before being one myself. Errr, this doesn’t sound bad huh?
6. Justin likes to imitates his cousin’s bad habit like eating in front the TV (MIL prefers the kids to sit and glue to TV while she feeds, but I hate it)
7. It’s hard to change MIL and SIL’s ways of comparing and judging my kids. I prefer them to grow up in an environment where there’re not being criticized with negative comments, but MIL and SIL are not having the same mentality like me.
8. If there’re any misunderstanding, I have to keep myself calm and not creating a scene as that will only make hubby “nan zhou”, dunno should side me or his mum.
9. My mom doesn’t like to visit me until I’ve got my own place!
In short, I’ll still stick to staying with my in-laws. Hubby and I have plans to move out to our place one day, but not so soon…
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July 10th, 2006 at 8:21 pm
Wow!! You’re so patient. I wouldn’t have lasted a month staying at my in-laws, no matter how nice they are. I beleive in having my own space, even if it does mean a small apartment. I’ve been lucky so far, I moved out of my parents’ house the day I got married.
It takes a lot, A LOT, of comprimising when you stay in teh same house. I applaud your efforts. Heere’s hoping you find your own house soon.
July 10th, 2006 at 10:08 pm
I used to live with my father after we got married b’cos my father is a widower and live in a big house all by himself (if we don’t move in with him).
I don’t mind staying with my father, as I still have influence over him. However, I don’t believe I can live with my in-laws.. I don’t believe I want Zara to be brought up her way.
I don’t mind them coming to stay with us occasionally though, since I’ll still have a say in my house whole as they are guests.
I always find it’s easier to live with own parents than in laws. Especially for a woman.
July 10th, 2006 at 11:21 pm
if you want to enjoy the best of both worlds… I suggest moving to a location nearby… near enough so you can drive there easily… but far enough that it’s not within walking distance… that’s what we did! LOL!
July 10th, 2006 at 11:43 pm
U seemed to adapt very well to current environment and when time finally comes when u have your own house, it’ll be a luxury, ya? Guess meantime, it’s a learning experience and as long as u r happy, full stop.
July 11th, 2006 at 1:15 am
Along, I was not as patient as I am right now. I’ve changed my attitute a lot after married and I guess that’s a bonus point to me after learning to compromise for so long. Thanks for the praising,
Zara’s mama, it’s true, it’s so much easier staying with our own parents as we’ve got used to it. But come to think of it, they’re hubby’s parents too, so he feels much better staying with them. I’m the one who’s adapting to their lifestyle, but hopefully my kids won’t be badly influenced by them.
Egghead, you can read my mind huh?
I’ve been thinking about this too, and hubby also agrees that we should get a house nearby. But it’s rather hard to do so since it’s an old neighbourhood and the houses are old. I’ll cross my fingers that some old folks will leave their houses for us to purchase!
Immomsdaughter, I guess I’m happy most of the time, but hope that the full stop will be a comma…
July 11th, 2006 at 2:01 am
Hi Five, shoppingmum! Me also stay with PIL….can understand your situation! Before marry i wish to move out too but fail becos Hubby is the only son in the family, & he prefer to stay with them.
July 11th, 2006 at 4:17 am
I must say you are a very patient person. I don’t think I can live with my MIL. I have my own way of bringing up Brae and she has her different opinions. When we have dinner together, she will tell me this and that….imagine if we are staying together. I just can’t imagine that!
July 12th, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Bravo to you can stay with MIL, I’m sure I can’t. Already now I see her once a day and she gives all the comments sometimes I also can’t tahan, can’t imagine if she stays with me..would have gone cuckoo
July 12th, 2006 at 9:51 pm
Salute you lah…I definitely cant stay with my MIL, even hubby also cant tahan her, cant imagine if we stay together.
July 12th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
*high five!* am staying with ILs too… we did stayed on our own *which is nearer to the workplace) during the first 2 years after marriage. But I decided to move back to ILs because it was such a hassle transfering baby’s stuff between IL’s and our place (apartment) during the weekends (because we spent the weekends there; have to let 爷爷嬷嬷看看孙子嘛）Besides, 除了两老，没有其他人了。Whenever they go on vacation, we also have to move back to ‘jaga rumah’ LOL! Anyway, there’s always the thought of getting our own place… 虽然婆媳相住没问题，但我总是有寄人篱下的感觉啰…不知你是否有同感？
July 13th, 2006 at 9:59 am
Jesslyn, if hubby’s the only son, I think it’s hard not to stay with in-laws. Still have to respect and take care of them right? And most people believe it’s the son’s responsibility to take care of his old folks.
Khongfamily, thanks for the compliment, I’m very patient and hardly loss my cool
Jazzmint, sometimes I feel like going cuckoo too, but when I think of the benefits of staying with them and try to count 1 to 10 and breathe deeply, I can face the world again.
Rachel, thank you, thank you…
DG, hey, I like your saying of let the grandparents see the grandchildren, which grandparents won’t like grandchildren huh? Yes, you’re right, I feel the same too as if I don’t own this home as it’s not my house. But I know I’ll have to move out anyway, so it makes me feel better.
July 14th, 2006 at 11:52 pm
I trully understand your points. I’m having exactly the same problems too! The same about the junkfood and TV stuff. My MIL even let my son to eat junk food DURING meals or even BEFORE meals, and then complaint to me that my son doesn’t want to eat rice she cooked, and asked me to bring Ian to see doctor. @^#&*@^$*@!!!!!
But about those pros, I acknowledge that too. My case is the reverse of yours. MIL’s house is small, and we need to stay away. But later, we will buy a bigger house, and MIL will come to stay together.
Well, I don’t mind that, due to all the points you’ve written.
July 15th, 2006 at 12:06 am
Hi there .. i am staying with my in-laws too n plus with my hubby’s brother family and his sister .. so i guess u could imagine da situation well .. lots of misunderstanding happen and i muz admit that i change alot due to this .. quite moody and unhappy .. we could not afford to get our own house at the moment we get married so we have to be patient and by the way if we were to get a house i would still hav to stay with my mum in law .. sigh ..